Protect the Seed.

When you decide you’re going to surrender to the Lord, something happens.

The enemy of your soul tries to change your mind.

He tries to steal the seed that has been planted in you, so that it does not grow into new life.

He tries to fill you with anxiety and fear, and doubt and darkness.

But thanks be to God, the enemy cannot steal our seed if we do not allow him to.

“Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.”

Beloved, new life awaits to spring up. And God promises to protect it.

Submit yourself to Him. Tell the doubt to die, and then watch as the darkness flees.

Simply Because I Need to Write This…

It’s been a while since I’ve written.

I haven’t had severe panic or anxiety in months. Not like I used to, anyway.

My body and mind seem to be much calmer as of late, and I hardly ever have a panic attack anymore. And when I do, it’s over quickly because I know how to ride it out with ease.

Perhaps my calmness has been part of the reason why I’ve been in so much spiritual turmoil over the last few months.

You see, any time I get to a point where I am calm, and all is well, I start forgetting to reach out to God.

I spent so long crying out to God when it felt like I was drowning every day.

It was easy and natural. I needed Him. Without Him, I couldn’t even make it through a single day.

But when the anxiety and panic ceased, it created a sense of ease that made it feel like everything was fine – even if the reality was that I was now ignoring the One I truly needed, regardless of where I was at emotionally.

I wrote a post several months back about living free, in every area of life (not just in the area of mental health).

I came to a point back then when I understood that God had made me free from my anxiety, but He now wanted me to live freely surrendered to Him in every area of my life.

I felt liberated by this truth for some time.

But somewhere along the way, I lost sight of that.

So now I’m in a season of surrendering again, and learning what it means to truly love the Lord, even when I don’t feel I need Him to save me from my emotions every day.

Because the fact is, I need Him to save me from everything else every day; everything that would come between me and my loving Father. Even things that seem good, but in the end prove to be harmful (and even deadly).

I have a lot of anxiety about this time in my life.

No, it’s not the physical anxiety and panic that I’ve written about up until this point.

It’s spiritual anxiety, and fear of failing the God I love.

So I’m going to be writing about this, because I think it’s important for me to process this through writing.

I hope that it helps you too, if this is something you can relate to. Stay tuned for more.

What to Say When the Lies Think They’ve Won.

I’ve been discouraged tonight.

I’ve been lied to.

I’ve been told that my identity is in how I feel about myself, rather than who I truly am.

And for a brief moment, I have fallen for it.

“I’m just a shell of anxiety.”

“I’m a burden.”

“I’m not really as valuable to my friends as they say I am; they’re just being nice out of obligation.”

Man, they were laid on thick tonight.

Well, excuse my language for a minute because it’s about to get colorful.

No.

Fuck that.

Let ME tell you who I am, while these lies just find their way straight back to the pit of Hell, where they came from.

I am a wife.

I have loved my husband fiercely.

I have fought for him, prayed for him.

I have filled oceans with tears of passion for him because that’s who I am – I fight for the good, and I don’t give up.

I am a mother.

I have awoken at the darkest hours of the night to tend to the needs of my sweet baby boy.

I haven’t done it perfectly. But I have leaned hard into frustration and allowed myself to fall to my knees when I couldn’t stretch myself any further.

I have watched my child sleep while he completely trusted in the loving arms of his mother.

And just as he has trusted in me, I have trusted in our God to sustain me when I felt I was at the end of myself.

I am a friend.

I have sat with grieving friends who just needed someone to listen. And they knew they were heard, even if just for a short time.

I have poured myself out for people who couldn’t give me anything in return.

I have forgiven men who have hurt me in the deepest ways possible, and I have chosen not to let bitterness grow.

I have looked fear straight in its sneering face, and I have commanded it to leave.

And then I watched as it cowered under an Authority that I could only find because I chose to believe it was there.

You see, I have chosen to fight the good fight, and I’ve been wise enough to know that this fight isn’t won alone.

I am persistent; I have chosen to trust the One who has given me the ability to persevere.

I have fought these these lies for years, and I have no intention of giving them the satisfaction of winning now.

Because I won’t be messed with.

Tonight, I’ll choose Truth.

And I’ll keep choosing Truth until it is my default; until these lies feel too intimidated to even try.

How I’m Feeling.

Today, I feel what I think is how I experience depression.

I know anxiety like the back of my hand. But sometimes it’s a little harder to pinpoint what’s happening when I’m feeling like I am today.

Unmotivated.

Physically and emotionally tired.

Overwhelmed, and underwhelmed at the same time.

Suffocated, even though I’ve had above average opportunity all day to thrive.

I hate days like this.

But when these days come, I love being able to tell myself that they will pass.

I know a better day will come.

But this also got me thinking:

How many others out there who suffer with depression are not able to tell themselves this?

How many of us have been living like this for days, weeks, months, or even years on end, with no sign of relief?

Man, depression is crafty.

I’m so sorry for anyone who has an experience with depression that reaches so deeply into who you are, and succeeds at convincing you that your only identity is in that depression.

I may not have the same experience as someone who suffers chronically like this.

Sometimes I feel like my words are of lesser value because of this; but then again, maybe not.

Maybe I have enough empathy that I can have compassion, and also provide a point of view that reveals the light in your life, even if you can’t see it yourself.

“In all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us.”

It’s in Romans, chapter 8. Read the rest of the chapter if you want some more of that light.

While thinking about all of this today, I was momentarily discouraged.

But this verse is what came to my mind.

I believe this is the way out.

Even if the depression doesn’t stop; even if you still feel the same way tomorrow.

We are more than conquerors through him that loved us.

We Are Not Without Power

My mind has been an abyss filled with racing, terrifying, unrelenting thoughts.

I have suffered for days and weeks at a time, unable to tame or quiet the lies that attempted to ensnare me.

I thought for sure that I’d never find the way out, and my cries for help seemed to be futile, and unheard.

But just last summer, this started to change for me.

I’ll write more in my next post about how I got to this point, but for now, I just want to write about how I was affected by this new way of thinking.

Quite simply, it started when I chose to think differently about my thoughts.

I had spent years trying to stuff them down, or control them so they didn’t create such anxiety in me.

But the more they raced, the harder it became to chase them away.

But when I got to this point, I realized something that caused a belief in me I had never known before:

“But God.”

My thoughts are fast… But God is faster.

My thoughts are terrifying… But God makes even the demons tremble.

My thoughts are relentless… But God doesn’t stop pursuing. Not even for death.

He never gave up on you and me. And because of the death and resurrection of Jesus, we share in His power.

You see, upon belief, we are given a Spirit; the Holy Spirit.

This Spirit is not a spirit of fear, but of power, of love, and of a sound mind (2 Timothy 1:7).

And when we have this Spirit, we are able to walk in it, rather than in our own inadequate, terrified, wavering flesh.

Remind yourself daily:

God, the One who has power over DEATH, has power over our minds and thoughts.

How can we live in terror when we understand that there is One who has such power to affect the way we think and live?

I believe He can shut the mouths of the lying lions in our minds.

I’m praying you will believe Him too.

I’ve Gotten Some Clarity.

My last post was definitely a post that falls under the category of “hard truth”. “Tough love”, if you will.

I have reread it multiple times since posting it and have gone back and forth in my mind about whether I wrote it well, or if it would help or harm people more. Was it encouraging, or discouraging? Man, I hate that I have to ask myself that.

I read it again this morning, and I think I’ve come to a conclusion.

The message of the post was on point: We are capable of far more than we usually tell ourselves. If we don’t believe we can do well, then we won’t do well.

But as life would have it, I’ve been through some things the past couple of weeks which gave me a little more empathy; a little more compassion for people who struggle with mental illness (depression in particular).

I write far more about anxiety than I do depression, because I know anxiety like the back of my hand. I’ve lived and breathed it for the past nine years.

Now, I am seeing depression in the one I love most, and it is breaking my heart.

Depression is different because, unlike anxiety, it does not provide the same level of motivation for change.

Anxiety makes you crawl in your skin. It makes you fear, and itch for something better and different.

Depression fills you with such despair that you begin to not feel anything at all. And if you can’t feel, then it is incredibly difficult to make yourself reach for the way out.

Hear: This does not make it impossible to crawl out of the pit. But broken soul, I hear your heart and I have compassion on it.

As always, I will say that it is necessary for us to choose to try, even if we don’t feel like trying. Even if we are numb to anything, even if it means “going through the motions” of getting some help, we must try.

Trying, even when we feel nothing, will eventually start a spark in us to learn how to feel something again.

I’ve seen it happen to people in my life. And now I’m hoping that the one I love most will reach for the light, too.

I just wanted to clarify. I’m not cold-hearted. I understand the struggle. But I want better for people, and I believe it’s possible.

Do you?

Start Believing the Truth About Yourself.

I’m tired of the current conversation around mental health.

I’m not tired of people caring about the topic, but I’m tired about the way most people choose to talk about it.

I’m tired of the articles that are shared to let others know the reasons why people just can’t get out of bed in the morning.

I’m tired of hearing reasons why people can’t go to parties without being overcome by crippling anxiety.

I don’t want to hear that you can’t change what’s happening to you, because you “have no control over it”.

Please don’t hear me wrong.

I understand that you share these things because you’re looking for validation and someone to understand what’s going on with you.

Your fears and anxiety and depression are all real things, and they are happening to you.

But the lies they tell you are not real.

Having recurrent panic attacks and being overcome with emptiness (as depression would have it) is something that happens to many of us.

But just because these things happen TO you does not mean that these things ARE you.

The reason you can’t get out of bed in the morning is not because you “just can’t”. It’s because you feel like you can’t. But, as much as it feels like the opposite is true, you have not lost your ability to make your body move.

Lift your finger right now. Go ahead, do it. You can even flip me off for offending you if you’ve gotten this far and feel inclined to do so.

Look at that. You chose to lift your finger, and you did it.

Now tomorrow morning, despite what you’re feeling, swing your legs over the edge of the bed and stand up. We’ve already shown that you can do this.

Are you anxious? Go take a walk, or read something uplifting. It may not make you stop panicking, but it will at least be a start to take your mind in a more positive direction.

I am not naive.

I recognize that doing these things will not automatically eliminate your anxiety or depression, and it is not that simple.

But I do know that it’s a start.

You have the ability to start, if nothing else.

Please stop telling yourself that you can’t.

Guilt Has No Place Here.

It’s been a while since I’ve written.

Things were rough for a couple months. I had been doing so well. But during the third major life change in less than a year, anxiety came back and reared its ugly head once again.

I felt guilty for this.

I felt afraid.

I felt unworthy to write this blog because I was struggling myself, and I struggled in my personal relationships, both with my family and with my faith.

Sometimes anxiety and depression can do that to people.

It makes us feel like it’s all our fault, or that we are a burden on others. It scares us away from those who love us, and makes it difficult to face our fears head on.

It took a long time thinking on this to come to the conclusion that I needed to change my thinking again.

Without realizing it, I had fallen into the same patterns of apathy and monotony that I had been in before. My mind was sitting stagnant, and because of this, so was my progress.

The past few days have been easier. I have been more intentional about my time.
Rather than turning to social media every time I face boredom, I look to my son and play with him. Or I write lyrics. Or I get some more work done.

The most healing waters have come from the well of the Word. Every night for the past three nights, I have played my audio Bible (I use Bible.is) until I fall asleep, and it continues playing through until morning.

For a while, I was afraid to do this. I felt guilty; like I had ignored God and let my mind become darkened again.

I suppose some of this was on me. But even so, I’ve decided that guilt has no place in my heart.

Christ has given me new life. And if I should choose to remain in Him, then there is no condemnation for me.

“Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee: because he trusteth in thee.” Isaiah 26:3

I will keep remembering my freedom. And I think I’ll write more often.

Live Free, All the Way.

I have been saved from my anxiety and depression. I have been made free from the lies that they tell, and I am no longer bound by these things when they threaten to undo me.

But I have been hearing God say that I need to not only live in His freedom regarding anxiety and depression. He freed me from these things. I have tasted and seen that He is good. Now, I must also live in His freedom for my entire life.

My literal life depends on it.

When I’m not living free in all of life, the lies I have been freed from are stronger. And it’s not just those lies that get a foothold. It’s every lie the enemy would tell me to bring me back down into darkness.

There’s a verse that I love. James 4:7 says, “Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.”

Submit to God. This is the first thing we must do before we can be free from the suffocating darkness.

It was difficult for me to surrender my anxiety to God. It meant I had to trust Him to heal me, and it was scary.

Giving up control is always scary.

But once He healed me and set me free, I understood how I was holding onto ashes, while He’d been waiting patiently for me with more beauty that I could fathom.

Submitting to God is not burdensome. It is not restricting. Don’t believe the lies that say it is. Stop holding onto the crumbs of His creation – the crumbs which have become moldy after being tainted with sin.

Reach for the entire banquet He has waiting for you.

If you are interested in learning some of the Scripture that God used to set me free, I have created a cross reference of verses that teach us how to submit to God. Comment on this post or message me privately, and I will send you my findings.

Always remember that to have total freedom, we must submit ourselves to Him.

Submit to God, and have Peace.

How to Help Someone with Anxiety: Not Your Average Post about How to Help Someone with Anxiety

Late last night (or early this morning), I reached out to my Facebook friends and posted about my recent bout with anxiety and panic attacks.

I’ve been completely exhausted lately by the physical symptoms of my anxiety. If you don’t know what this looks like, I’ll give just a quick description of what happens to me when I’m going through this.

All night for the past few nights, I have been woken up out of a peaceful sleep to multiple, full blown panic attacks.

My mouth tingles inside and out. My face and scalp feel numb, and I have weird, involuntary twitching. My limbs feel weak. I feel detached from myself, like I am looking at my body but it’s not my own. Or, I’m outside of myself looking down, as if I might just float away and never return. My chest tightens, and I can’t get enough air.

I really feel like I’m dying. And it is completely overwhelming.

I have spent the past several months working to defeat my anxiety and depression. And I have found true freedom from these things. On most days, I am completely content.

Emotionally and spiritually, I am strong. But sometimes, my body still turns on me.

Last night, I was exhausted. I needed rest, and I needed prayer so I could get the sleep I needed.

In a very vulnerable moment, I made a status for all my friends and family to see.

If you were one who commented on my status, please know that I love and appreciate you. Thank you for caring. Thank you for reaching out. I don’t want you to read what I’m about to say and think that I’m writing off your compassion. I just have fought for too long and I know too much freedom to not write about this.

I have been told multiple times over the past few days that I need to talk to a doctor and go back on medication.

Hear me say, I am not completely against medication. Sometimes it is necessary. And these past few days, it has not been beyond my consideration.

But to me, medication is and should be a last resort. I’ve been there, done that. It changes me in ways I don’t always like. Sometimes its side effects are just not worth the jump. And honestly? I believe there are other ways.

When someone tells me to go back on medication, this is what I hear:

“Anxiety can only be controlled by medication. You can’t beat this. Your faith and your coping skills are not strong enough to make you free from your anxiety.”

When people tell me I need medication, I of course do not believe they are always saying what I hear. I believe they really do genuinely care, and they believe medication can help. And I’m certain that it can, sometimes.

But it is so clear to me that most people jump to the conclusion that medication is the answer, before ever considering other possibilities.

I find this to be completely disheartening.

Here is what a person with anxiety needs to hear:

– You may not be able to control what you feel, but you can control what you think. And when you change your thinking, you might just find that your feelings follow suit.

– There are ways for you to cope and heal. Make yourself a schedule. Sleep when you’re supposed to sleep. If you can’t sleep due to the panic, then know that it isn’t going to help to stay on your phone all night. Drink some hot tea. Take a shower. Listen to some music that calms you. Heck, talk to a counselor if you need to. Whatever you do, be intentional about relaxing.

– I am here for you. I recognize that much of what you feel is beyond your control, but I also see how strong you are, and how able you are to decide for yourself what you will believe. Control what you can, and find help for the rest.

– Even when you can’t believe, I believe in you, and you will make it through this. This, too, shall pass.

I am not saying that this is easy or that it just magically disappears with a few positive words.

But what I am saying, is that the conversation around anxiety and depression needs to change.

We are not helpless.

Do you know why people kill themselves?

It’s because they believe they will never make it out of their depression. It’s because they believe every lie it tells them: “You’re not good enough. You’re not strong enough. This will never end. You’re a burden to others.”

Those are LIES. We are not helpless. We have the power to change. Even if we’re not strong enough, there is a God who is, and He will empower us to find the way out. We are not a burden just because we need help from time to time. Everyone needs help, from time to time.

We need to spend more time exposing these lies for what they are, and more time encouraging each other to believe differently about our situations.

And maybe, sometimes, medication can help us do that.

But please, please, please, decide what you’re going to believe. Because even medication won’t help if you don’t believe it will.