Late last night (or early this morning), I reached out to my Facebook friends and posted about my recent bout with anxiety and panic attacks.
I’ve been completely exhausted lately by the physical symptoms of my anxiety. If you don’t know what this looks like, I’ll give just a quick description of what happens to me when I’m going through this.
All night for the past few nights, I have been woken up out of a peaceful sleep to multiple, full blown panic attacks.
My mouth tingles inside and out. My face and scalp feel numb, and I have weird, involuntary twitching. My limbs feel weak. I feel detached from myself, like I am looking at my body but it’s not my own. Or, I’m outside of myself looking down, as if I might just float away and never return. My chest tightens, and I can’t get enough air.
I really feel like I’m dying. And it is completely overwhelming.
I have spent the past several months working to defeat my anxiety and depression. And I have found true freedom from these things. On most days, I am completely content.
Emotionally and spiritually, I am strong. But sometimes, my body still turns on me.
Last night, I was exhausted. I needed rest, and I needed prayer so I could get the sleep I needed.
In a very vulnerable moment, I made a status for all my friends and family to see.
If you were one who commented on my status, please know that I love and appreciate you. Thank you for caring. Thank you for reaching out. I don’t want you to read what I’m about to say and think that I’m writing off your compassion. I just have fought for too long and I know too much freedom to not write about this.
I have been told multiple times over the past few days that I need to talk to a doctor and go back on medication.
Hear me say, I am not completely against medication. Sometimes it is necessary. And these past few days, it has not been beyond my consideration.
But to me, medication is and should be a last resort. I’ve been there, done that. It changes me in ways I don’t always like. Sometimes its side effects are just not worth the jump. And honestly? I believe there are other ways.
When someone tells me to go back on medication, this is what I hear:
“Anxiety can only be controlled by medication. You can’t beat this. Your faith and your coping skills are not strong enough to make you free from your anxiety.”
When people tell me I need medication, I of course do not believe they are always saying what I hear. I believe they really do genuinely care, and they believe medication can help. And I’m certain that it can, sometimes.
But it is so clear to me that most people jump to the conclusion that medication is the answer, before ever considering other possibilities.
I find this to be completely disheartening.
Here is what a person with anxiety needs to hear:
– You may not be able to control what you feel, but you can control what you think. And when you change your thinking, you might just find that your feelings follow suit.
– There are ways for you to cope and heal. Make yourself a schedule. Sleep when you’re supposed to sleep. If you can’t sleep due to the panic, then know that it isn’t going to help to stay on your phone all night. Drink some hot tea. Take a shower. Listen to some music that calms you. Heck, talk to a counselor if you need to. Whatever you do, be intentional about relaxing.
– I am here for you. I recognize that much of what you feel is beyond your control, but I also see how strong you are, and how able you are to decide for yourself what you will believe. Control what you can, and find help for the rest.
– Even when you can’t believe, I believe in you, and you will make it through this. This, too, shall pass.
I am not saying that this is easy or that it just magically disappears with a few positive words.
But what I am saying, is that the conversation around anxiety and depression needs to change.
We are not helpless.
Do you know why people kill themselves?
It’s because they believe they will never make it out of their depression. It’s because they believe every lie it tells them: “You’re not good enough. You’re not strong enough. This will never end. You’re a burden to others.”
Those are LIES. We are not helpless. We have the power to change. Even if we’re not strong enough, there is a God who is, and He will empower us to find the way out. We are not a burden just because we need help from time to time. Everyone needs help, from time to time.
We need to spend more time exposing these lies for what they are, and more time encouraging each other to believe differently about our situations.
And maybe, sometimes, medication can help us do that.
But please, please, please, decide what you’re going to believe. Because even medication won’t help if you don’t believe it will.
The Freed Mind Blog 